The Politically Correct Guide to American History

It all started when the evil Europeans came to America and unfairly oppressed the Natives. They took all of their land and enslaved them. The Pilgrims turned on their Native American friends and stole their land.

Then the American colonies were upset over their lack of representation in government, so in a largely progressive movement, they fought for their independence and defeated England.

The Americans wrote up the Articles of Confederation. However, these Articles put an emphasis on states’ rights and gave the federal government little power, so it was a total failure. The people demanded a stronger federal government.

The Constitution was then written to concentrate large power into a central government. The Constitution is a living document, adaptable to changing times, even without amendments. The states loved the Constitution’s powerful federal government, and quickly ratified it without question.

Over the next fifty years, the North abolished slavery and turned towards industrial power, while the evil white Southerners oppressed their slaves for greed of money. The Southerners also displaced more Native Americans. The North called for the South to end their evil slavery ways, but the South refused, and unfairly seceded from the Union. The South then suddenly fired on Fort Sumter. The attack was completely uncalled for. Lincoln, the master of racial equality, led a war to free the slaves from the evil Southerners. He wrote the Emancipation Proclamation to free the slaves from the bondage of their cruel slave masters. It worked. Slavery was completely abolished from the United States.

Lincoln also gave the Gettysburg Address, establishing the South as equality-haters and liberty-haters, and Lincoln as the preserver of government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

In order to ensure the complete abolition of slavery, the country underwent Reconstruction, in which new ideas of total equality were spread throughout America. It was overall a success, although the South resented being reprimanded for their cruel misdeeds and continued to oppress Negros.

In World War I, the United States maintained complete neutrality until the sinking of the Lusitania. Americans died on board. Americans were outraged at this uncalled-for attack on an unarmed cruise ship in a war zone. America then went to war and defeated the evil Germans with their submarines, which was a “war on humanity.”

In 1929, due to the utter failures of unregulated capitalism, the stock market completely crashed. FDR came on TV to give hope to the American people of the future. FDR then used massive government intervention to get America back on its feet. FDR instituted a minimum wage to increase employment, and burned crops to increase the price of food, allowing more farmers to buy goods from the starving masses.

Eventually, in WWII, the evil Japanese people decided to expand east. They fired shots at Pearl Harbor. This attack was completely uncalled for, and to counter it, FDR got the United States into WWII. We won.

The evil South was eventually forced to repeal its Jim Crow laws. More rights were given to minorities, and to make up for centuries of oppression, affirmative action was instituted to ensure absolute fairness.

During the 1980s, unregulated capitalism was at its worst. Greedy capitalists hoarded the money that they made through evil exploitation of the workers. This was all fixed with the Clinton administration. By the end of the administration, “the era of big government” was over.

Al Gore then invented the Internet.

Evil terrorists attacked America for no good reason, so we sent troops to the Middle East. Then we had too many troops, and demanded that they be returned home. That’s why Barack Obama was elected to send more troops to the Middle East.

Currently, evil health care capitalists are exploiting the masses, requiring the almighty government to fix it.


One Response to “The Politically Correct Guide to American History”

  1. The Politically Correct Guide to American History « Tomás Diego del Fuego's Blog Says:

    […] The Politically Correct Guide to American History By tomdiego […]

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